I've always felt like an outsider in my own skin. Growing up, I knew I was different, but I didn't quite understand why. It wasn't until I hit puberty that I realized I was gay, and that realization filled me with a sense of dread.
Being gay in India is not easy. Society sees us as unnatural, as immoral, as sinners. We are discriminated against, ostracized, and sometimes even physically attacked. And so, I learned to hide. I learned to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I learned to wear a mask and keep my true self hidden behind invisible walls.
It's exhausting, living a lie. Every day, I wake up and put on a performance for the world. I make sure to walk a certain way, talk a certain way, dress a certain way, all in an attempt to blend in. But inside, I am screaming. I am suffocating. I am dying.
I dream of a world where I can be myself without fear. A world where love is love, no matter who it's between. A world where I don't have to pretend. But for now, that world feels impossibly far away.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to come out. To throw open the doors of my closet and let the world see who I really am. But the thought terrifies me. What if my family disowns me? What if my friends abandon me? What if I lose my job? What if I become a target of violence?
And yet, there is a glimmer of hope. I see it in the way society is slowly changing. In the way people are becoming more accepting, more understanding, more loving. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that one day, I can tear down those invisible walls and live my life out in the open.
Until then, I will keep on pretending. I will keep on hiding. I will keep on living in fear. But I will also hold onto that hope, that someday, things will be different. That someday, I can be free.
I just hope that day comes soon.
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