It's hard to describe the pain of living in the closet. The constant fear, anxiety, and loneliness that weigh down on me every day. I'm a gay Korean man, and I've been hiding my true identity for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, I always knew I was different. I was drawn to things that were considered "unmanly" and had crushes on other boys. But in Korea, being gay is still heavily stigmatized. It's not talked about, and people like me are forced to hide their true selves or face ridicule, discrimination, and even violence.
So I did what I had to do. I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I dated girls, went to all-boys schools, and tried to fit in. But inside, I was dying. I longed for someone to understand me, to love me for who I am. But I couldn't risk it. The shame and rejection would have been too much to bear.
And so, I'm alone. I have friends, but I can't be fully myself around them. I can't talk about my experiences, my fears, my hopes. I can't even mention the word "gay" without feeling a tight knot in my stomach. It's a constant struggle to keep up this facade, to hide who I really am.
But I'm also hopeful. I see the world changing. I see more and more people accepting and embracing LGBTQ+ individuals. I see countries legalizing same-sex marriage and protecting queer rights. And I hope that someday, Korea will do the same. That I'll be able to come out of the closet without fear of being ostracized or worse.
Until then, I'll keep on living this double life. I'll keep on pretending to be someone I'm not, all the while dreaming of a day when I can finally be free.
It's a sad existence, but it's the only one I know. And so, I'll hold onto hope and keep on surviving, one day at a time.
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